the shit list.

there are several subjects that any intelligent female knows she is suppose to stay away from, 1. how much she can drink, 2. poop, 3. that horrific "time of the month", 4. how she can often challenge (and beat) her guy friends in eating contests.

let's talk about number 2 (see, i intentionally made poop the number "two". im so funny). most bodily functions freak me out but this is one i have never avoided in conversation. sure, like any freshman girl, i chose to take my business to the bathroom on the bottom floor of the dorms to avoid any embarrassing situation but i've since grown out of that phase.

my friends have often held different sentaments. my guy friends are consistently freaked out by my openness and my girl friends are horrified when i talk about regularity. sure, they try to fake their comfort by giving me christmas presents like "poo pouri" (ive been given this gift on multiple times and its really the gift that keeps giving), a book of "what your poop is telling you" and a poop check list. yeah, i know those are hilarious presents but i still sense some uncomfortability with this subject. why is it so taboo? i have several girl friends who have IBS (i'm not going to explain it to you) and even those friends cant discuss their secret shame.

i'm going to include the following list in hopes that you can share my appreciation for number two. and if this offends you...? sorry you're such a snob.

Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't runie them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie
The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more.

Turtle Poopie
The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finallly comes out

Pop-a-Vein-in-your-Forehead-Poopie
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger.

Gas-sy Poopie
The kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling!

Drinker Poopie
The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Corn Poopie
(Self explanatory)

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop Poopie
The kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is it on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie
That's the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get spashed with water.

Liquid Poopie
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your butt and spashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie
The kind that smells so bad your nose burns.

Upper Class Poopie
The kind of Poopie that doesn't smell.

The Suprise Poopie
You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS---a Poopie!

The Dangling Poopie
This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

Fisherman's Bobber Poopie
You are in a public restroom with two people waiting on your stall, you poopie and flush two times, but several golfball pieces are still floating above the water line.

The Stolen Poopie
The poopie you take at a techy toilet, with an automatic flush, that is flushed so quick that when you whirl around to see the poopie you worked so hard for, you are left with a violated and un-satisfied feeling. you never got to see that poopie.

look, we discussed poop and you're still alive. i know this wont change any of my friend's views and i'll probably get multiple deleted facebook friends for being such a freak. oh well. i mostly blogged because ami was asking for it...sorry its so shitty (again, im soooo funny!)

sarah haskins, a woman after my own heart, seems to be the only person who understands. we need to start talking about this, people!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-Omm5CPIOI